Pick up the pace: rein in the intrusive narrator

As you all know, the narrator is the person or character who is telling the story, whether the story is fiction or non-fiction. While the narrator has a vital part in telling the story, an intrusive narrator can slow the pace of a piece of writing by interfering with the progress of the story. Intrusive narration also distances the reader from the story and reduces its impact.

The intrusive narrator is most commonly found in first-person narrative; however, a third-person limited narrator can also become intrusive. Since first-person and third-person limited narrators are inevitably involved in the story, just when does such a narrator become intrusive?

• A narrator becomes intrusive when she or he unnecessarily inserts herself/himself into the story.

I heard the front door shut. I listened to heavy footsteps pounding down the hall. When the study door opened, I saw a tall, dark-haired man I didn't recognize. I screamed as I watched him stride toward me.


In the paragraph above, the phrases in blue type are examples of intrusive narration. None of them are necessary. In first-person and third-person limited narration, everything mentioned in the story is what the narrator sees, hears, smells, tastes, feels, thinks, surmises, etc. When "I saw," "I watched," "I heard," "I knew," and other similar phrases are frequently used in the narration, the narrator becomes intrusive.

Removal of these phrases in the revision below brings the reader right into the action and increases the tension in the scene.


The front door shut. Heavy footsteps pounded down the hall. When the study door opened, a tall, dark-haired man I didn't recognize paused in the doorway. I screamed as he strode toward me.


Not only does intrusive narration slow the pace and distance the reader from the action, it is also an insult to the reader's intelligence. The reader understands that everything in the narrator relates is something he or she experiences, so the narrator does not need to keep reminding the reader of this. An intrusive narrator becomes increasingly annoying.

In Brief: To rein in the intrusive narrator, check each instance that the narrator sees, watches, hears, feels, knows, or thinks something. If those phrases can be left out without changing the meaning of the sentence - if the seeing, hearing, etc. is not the point of the sentence - eliminate them.